The Unbearable Feeling of the Loss of Loved One

“Always you will be part of me, and I will forever feel your strength when I need it most. You’re gone now, gone but not forgotten. I can’t say this to your face, but I know you hear.
I’ll see you again. You never really left. I feel you walk beside me. I know I’ll see you again.
When I’m lost, I’m missing you like crazy, and I tell myself I’m so blessed to have had you in my life”
(I’ll See You Again – Westlife)

 

It’s been six months after the death of my dad. I wasn’t there in his difficult times when he’s struggling to stay alive in the ICU, also I wasn’t there when finally he’s buried under the ground. But I believe that this is the best for all of us.

I’ve accepted the fact that he’s gone. But still, there are times when I really miss him, and just want to hug him so tight for one more time.

People think that I don’t love him just because I don’t show my sadness in front of them. Or people may think I just want to look for attention when I share my feelings about my dad on my Facebook. I don’t care, because I know best about myself, I’m the one who experience it, I won’t force them to understand about it. Sometimes I just want to share my feelings because it’s just unbearable.

No one will understand this feeling. Unbearable feeling of loss. Unless you experience it by yourself.

The biggest lie I told people is that I’m okay. The biggest lie I told myself is that I don’t miss him. Now, I just realized that those are the biggest lie I’ve told. I miss him everyday, and this unbearable feeling kick in whenever the missing feelings are accumulated, just like clouds that accumulated which then pouring down rain.

It’s been six months. I used to think that crying is just for weak people. After I feel this unbearable feeling, now I know that it’s totally okay to cry, because we’re human. It’s not about being weak or strong, it’s about the human nature inside us.

I was really close to my dad that even we have secret games, words, and jokes that only my dad and I understand. We made silly faces. We did silly things. My dad likes to spoon-feed me like I was little child even till I was 21 years old, till the last time we met, before I went for an exchange abroad. I will never be able to forget his last smile when he took me to the airport, we had a breakfast together in the airport, it was the brightest, the most sincere smile full of hopes.

I don’t know how my mom copes with this, they know each other even before they’re dating, till finally they date each other, then got married, then having us (my older sister and I), then raised us together, laugh and cry together, till finally my dad is passed away. I just can’t imagine how strong my mom is, that now she continues her life without the presence of her another piece of heart.

Your birthday is coming in few days, dad. I already made a present for you.

I’m so blessed to have had you in my life. I still can feel your love even after you’re gone.

I know that I’ll see you again, dad. But sometimes, this feeling is just unbearable. I just miss you so much. I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss your voice. I miss your advice, the way you see things.

I just miss you. So much.

 

285317_2330499421494_4371889_n

Aug 23 2012

Tagged , , , , ,

2 thoughts on “The Unbearable Feeling of the Loss of Loved One

  1. jayne bowers says:

    Beautiful tribute to your father. As my mother was dying (literally), all four of her children stood surrounding her, each of us touching her and murmuring how much we loved her. I glanced up and looked around the room and spotted her oldest and youngest granddaughters. I then leaned down to my mother’s ear and said something like, “We’re all here, Mama, and so are your oldest and youngest granddaughters. As long as we live, so will you because you live in all of us.” What I’m getting at (at last) is that your father lives in you.

    • Thank you Jayne. No matter what, our most beloved people will always live in all of us. I even feel the love of my dad is getting stronger in me even after he’s gone. I’m getting understand the reasons of why my dad react to things. I know now understand why he took this and that decision. It feels like my eyes are opened to see the lessons behind everything that happened.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: