Have you ever felt so bored that you want to puke a rainbow? I think everyone has that bored-till-you-want-to-puke-a-rainbow moment in their life. I’m having that moment now. I feel so bored for looking at the same rooms over and over again (which by that I mean my bedroom) almost every time I write my blog posts, I did it in my bedroom. Doesn’t mean I don’t like to go out. I do go out, sometimes even I do my work with my laptop in cafe, it’s just I don’t feel comfortable to write blog posts outside my bedroom. Then I decide to try new thing. This might seems nothing for some people, but to me, it’s a refreshment, and a little bit challenge for doing something out of your daily routine.
We all have been in so many situations. So many feelings involved in it. I myself used to be the person who deny some certain feelings, sad mostly. Somehow, sad is the feeling I like least. Because I used to think that sad and cry are just for weak people, it indicates that you are weak if you feel sad or cry. Every time I get sad, I deny that feeling, that I’m okay, that I’m fine, then I’m looking for any distractions that can distract my sadness. Music for example. I play upbeat cheerful songs whenever I feel sad.
I feel like I have been able to control all of my feelings. Unless sadness. I feel like I have been able to accept all of my feelings. Unless again, sadness.
After the all of sudden death of my dad. I begin to understand how to accept all feelings completely. I begin to understand how I don’t have to deny some certain feelings to flow into me. How normal it is to feel sad. How normal it is to cry. How normal it is to feel not okay. How human it is to feel all those feelings.
I may not always be able to control my feelings. Sometimes I loose control too. But I do my best to control my own feelings. Like anger, disappointment, and hurt for instance. It took me a long time to finally understand that we do have control of our own feelings. I used to think that whenever others disappoint me, it’s because of their fault, because they did it wrong that makes me disappointed. But then as time goes by, I begin to understand that it’s not their fault. It’s because of our expectation on them. When our expectation doesn’t meet their capability, that’s causing disappointment. It’s not their fault. It’s myself that expect too much.
Lots of people. Just take a look at my friends. Lots of my friends depend their happiness on others. They will be happy if others do things that please them, if others not disappoint them. But when others do mistake. When others do things that are not match with their standard, they feel unhappy. They whine, complain, saying how sad they are, and so on.While actually we can’t control how others react to us. We can’t control how others treat us. But surely we can control how do we behave. How do we decide to be happy or not toward what happen to us. Like what I said, happiness is in all of us, but to be happy is a choice. Don’t depend, don’t put your happiness on other people, because it’s your life, not their life. You decide how to react, how to control yourself toward what happens to you in your life.
Lying to others is not good. Lying to yourself is the worst.
I finally come to that sentence when I realized how awful it is to lie to your own self. It may seems so easy not to lie to yourself, but in some situations you will realize that you haven’t been honest to yourself. Like mine for instance. I’ve been lying to myself that sad and cry are only for weak people, that I’m not allowed to be sad and cry. Until the moment I feel an unbearable feeling of how I miss my dad so much.
Some things may seems easy to some other people, it may because those other people haven’t experience what others have experienced. It may because they don’t see what we see. It may because they don’t feel what we feel.
Humans are given so many feelings. Accept and allow all those feelings to flow into yourself. It does hurt, it does sad, it does relaxing, it does comforting, and so on. Let all those feelings to flow into you. So that you can understand yourself better, and finally can see the lesson in everything that happens to you, so that you can understand why this happens.
Emotions, feelings will always keep coming to us, good or bad, positive or negative, whether you like it or not, whether you expect it or not. It’s your decision on how to react toward those feelings, because no matter what your decision is, life will keep moving forward. Emotions in motion.